Blooming…

It’s so clear that you have to cherish everyone.

I think that’s what I get from these older black women,

every soul is to be cherished,

that every flower is to bloom.

~ Alice Walker ~

Remember this…

You are not broken.

You are unique.

You are not a burden.

You are a gift.

You are not lost.

You are a pathmaker.

You are not other.

You are a light.

You are not cracking.

You are opening…

If only…

One’s real life is often the life that one does not lead.

~ Oscar Wilde ~

The past two or three weeks have been a whirlwind. Sooner or later, I am sure I will begin to unwind the whirl here and tell you about it – certainly, there will be photographs of all the places I’ve been, the beauty I have seen, the things that have filled me with awe. For now, though, there’s this…

I chose the word “clear” as my word for 2012 – or perhaps more honestly, it chose me… and in any case, it certainly has been a time of clearing, of clarity, of seeing much that has been hidden away by or for me, for a very long time. It is not always so easy, this “clear” thing.

What became clear this morning is another word: regret. I’m not sure why, exactly. It could be because, in a ring with an incredibly beautiful horse the other day, I discovered I have a few regrets, and that I had never acknowledged or grieved them. Yep. That’s probably it.

So this morning, I let my brain play with that word. Regret. At first, the lyrics to “I did it my way” came through, loud and clear. And then this: if, as I truly believe, everything boils down to love and fear – which category does regret fall into? I think we tend to see it as a negative word – so, as much as I know that fear can be a positive force, I put it in that column.

Guess what? It didn’t really fit. So I tossed it over to the Love column and took a long look at it in that light. Yep. For me, that’s where regret belongs. In love.

Because what is regret if not caged love?

I regret that I spent so long believing stories that said I was bad, broken, condemned to hell. The antidote? Self compassion, love for the little girl who listened and accepted hatred that was only reflected onto her, seeing the beauty that was never tapped. Loving all that was and is and bringing it into the light.

I regret that I built walls around my heart – thick, heavy, impenetrable walls that were covered in the thorns of self hatred, making it impossible for anyone to come close. And the antidote? Letting those walls begin to crumble, finding holes in the grout, going at the roots of the vines with a machete made of truth. Letting love reach my heart in tiny amounts at first, slowly allowing the rays to get wider and stronger, beginning to create space for others to see the huge heart that had been hidden for so long.

And I really regret keeping my love of horses buried under all of that and more. From the time I was very young, I was mesmerized by these incredible animals – and wanted nothing more than to be close to them. Fear – inherited fear and my own – kept me away, in part. Beyond that, though, it was the fear of allowing myself to have what I loved – my heart’s desire. If I was so bad, so toxic, such a negative influence, how could I let myself near what I considered to be the embodiment of all that is good and true and beautiful?

I regret that I am not the only one who does this. Sadly, I think there are many of us who bar love on a daily basis, and who refuse to listen to the tiny and yet strong voice inside that knows what we truly need in order to be fully present in this world.

I have spent the last few days with a force of nature named Koelle Simpson and a posse of beyond compassionate women in an Equus Coaching workshop. To say I am grateful for this experience is the understatement of the century. While I have done a huge amount of excavation work and healed mightily in the past decade, on a gorgeous ranch in Arizona, surrounded by love in the form of fellow coaches and the teachers with four hooves, I truly found my way home.

Nothing is stronger…

When we’re willing to stay open, every day is full of new shifts and understandings.
So treat your heart like a baby bird, with gentle attentiveness.
Nothing is stronger than exquisite vulnerability.

~ Tinker Lindsay ~

The end and the beginning, and everything in between…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on,
with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.”

~ Hal Borland ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I put this post together, it is New Year’s Eve.  The last evening of 2011.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still on London time, and as I go through the images from my holiday trip,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I realize how long I have been away from this space,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it seems clear that a Sunday stroll might be in order to say goodbye to the old year and welcome in the new…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

London certainly knows how to decorate for the holidays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everywhere you look, there are lights…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and ribbons,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and bows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The traditional holiday meal in England is, of course, the Christmas goose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This guy seemed wary…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We ate well – this is probably my favorite restaurant in the world –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

walked for miles and miles,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and marveled at it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We even did a little Boxing Day shopping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t help thinking, though, that it seems like so much, all at once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I wandered the streets, I wondered…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what would it be like if we kept the holiday spirit alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all year?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if we celebrated the good in each other

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

everyday?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that each of you is such a gift to me, on each day of the year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish you, of course, peace and joy, health and wisdom, wonder and love in the New Year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll be right here, bringing you little bits of that, I hope, all year long, just as you bring it to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that makes every day worth celebrating, doesn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

this little light…

This little light of mine,

I’m gonna let it shine…

~ Harry Dixon Loes ~

I woke up early this morning, full of these questions…

What if, inside of us, deep in our hearts, we, each and every one of us, have a flame. A light, yes, but also a way of keeping our heart warm and welcoming.

What if we come in with that flame fully ignited, ready to keep our hearts open to the world, to see everything framed by wonder and gratitude?

And what if, gradually, we are introduced and instructed in all sorts of dogma and institutional thinking which builds up over time, and makes it very difficult for air or hope or love to reach our flame and help it to grow in size as our bodies stretch into adulthood?

What if, in many of us, what could be an expansive fire of warmth and welcome both to ourselves and others in the world, slowly loses its power and can barely flicker?

What if, in some of us, our “pilot light” gets snuffed out, seemingly condemning us to a life devoid of anything good, and the gas that should be feeding that flame builds up pressure until we finally explode in rage and anger so huge that we can no longer live in community?

And what if, in those of us who do manage to tend our hearts well enough to keep the light burning, we make it so much harder on ourselves by moving in the world so quickly that it’s a constant struggle to keep the flame from being extinguished by the wind we create in our own rush, and the stiff breeze caused by others rushing past us.

So maybe we could try an experiment or two…

Light a candle, a single one, not one of the fancy ones that come in their own glass container. And probably not a birthday cake candle, either! You may want to put an oven mitt on the hand that is carrying it, just in case. Now walk around the house or wherever you are, at your normal speed, as if you are doing your chores, taking care of business, readying the kids for school – whatever your normal routine is. Don’t use your other hand to shield the flame, just move in your normal way. How long will that candle stay lit? I’m guessing not very long, even if you never made it outside.

Now relight the candle (keep that mitt on!) and slow your pace down. Keep one eye on the flame and another on whatever you are doing. How slowly do you need to move to keep the flame flickering nicely? Just notice – speed up, slow down, back and forth until you see what rhythm works well. Interesting, isn’t it?

No candle handy? That’s ok. Just find a place to sit, right in the middle of your day, with all its literal and figurative noise, and imagine your own heart and the light inside it. How’s it doing in there? Take a few minutes and focus on it, right there in the middle of the activity around you. Pay attention to how easy or difficult it is, to what is beeping or ringing or calling you and see how it goes.

Then try again when you can find a few minutes to yourself in a private spot. Post a sign on the door that says “Back in five…”, set a timer if you have a limited amount of time, and silence all the devices within hearing range. Put on some soft music, (preferably without lyrics you will want to sing along to). Cover yourself with a blanket, be sure you are comfortable. Now make that same visit to your heart. Slow your breath, feel your body soften and see how that flame is doing now. Imagine it glowing and growing stronger, softening your heart. Listen to the music and let everything else drop. How different is this experience, once you created a space and time to visit your heart in peace?

Just notice.

So now.

What if we each found a way to tend our own light by just slowing down a bit regularly? And by protecting ourselves from those around us who move at a pace that is beyond what we can easily adjust to?

What if we spent a few minutes each day gazing into that little bit of illumination and imagining our own inner flame, burning steadily, warming our hearts, allowing us to bring light to every one we meet along our way.

What if this could change our lives?

What if this could change the world?

What if?

It’s Tuesday, so this is part of Heather’s Just Write project – a wonderful community of writers. Find out more here – join us, if you’d like!here

three things…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There are three things that are important in human life.

The first is to be kind.

The second is to be kind.

The third is to be kind.

~ Henry James ~

 

I’m not sure that Henry James would agree, but if there is one thing that I have learned in my half century of life, it is that kindness – true kindness – begins with being kind to yourself.  I hope you will give it a whirl…