Melting down fear…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest.

~ Pema Chodron ~

 

I’m not sure what is happening to me.  I’ve been here before, I’m certain, although it’s as if I have complete and total amnesia.  Not a clue as to where I am.  No road map, no instruction booklet, no signs along the way.

I am alone, and yet, I somehow know that I’m in good company.  And while there is certainly fear of the unfamiliar, there is peace here, too.  I may be out of the nest, yes, but the view is not so bad.

 

Things have changed.  I’m breaking rules and letting people down left and right.  Me, the one you could always rely on to put others first.  To be clear, I’m not breaking the law or the commandments.  As long as George Clooney stays single, of course.

And I’m much more concerned with my own thoughts than what others think right now.  I can’t tell you what a 180 that is.  I’d be happy to give up a lot to just paint and write all day.  Once upon a time, that would have scared me to death.  And the socially acceptable conversations – the cocktail party chatting I am (was?) so good at?  I’ve changed my tune.  I want the depth that I find in conversations with fellow coaches, with clients, with those friends who will let me plumb the depths of their hearts.  And who will bravely dive into the depths of mine.

I want truth.  I want courage.  I want bared souls and open hearts.   Not much, just that.  And only that.

And that wanting is somehow remaking me.  I live with fear now, all the time.  Maybe I always have.  Now I greet it, pretty much 24/7, with open arms.  I stretch my body and welcome its stories – the tales it has held for nearly a half century.  I’m clearing it all out, taking a look, sorting what stays and what goes. I’m continually surprised, after years of doing my “work”, at how much is still there.

It’s astounding, what lies within us.  And how many of those stories have cemented beliefs into my core.  Beliefs that came from others, that have nothing to do with me.  So much that I was scared of, for so long.

So I’m changing my ways.  I’m letting fear stick around, saying hello to all the dark places for one last time, letting the frozen spots begin to melt.  And here’s the thing.  Once it’s all freed up, it loses a lot of the power it had.

In giving up perfectionism – a process that’s been going on for a few years now, and has been a long and winding journey – I seem to have let the very ground beneath my feet crumble.

In choosing to do less – a way to slow it all down so that I can hear my self clearly – I seem to have landed in a canyon where no sound can reach my ears.

In deciding to open up my mind – in essence, widening the view from my inner lens – I seem to have ended up nearly blinding myself… whether that’s from light or dark, I don’t know yet.

 

It’s not easy and it’s not so hard. There’s a lot I don’t know yet.   A lot to discover.  Slowly, steadily, it’s all coming out.  I’m exhausted.  And content.  And so curious.

I don’t know if these words will make sense to you – welcome to the way I live now.  I’ll leave you with a story that Pema Chodron tells.  One that I understand, these days. Maybe it will make sense to you, too.

 

“Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. The day arrived. The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. They both had their weapons. The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”

It’s still Tuesday – barely.  Still, it’s Tuesday, so I am joining with Heather and a group of amazingly honest and brave writers in JustWrite.  I hope you’ll click over and check it out.

 

 

The end and the beginning, and everything in between…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on,
with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.”

~ Hal Borland ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I put this post together, it is New Year’s Eve.  The last evening of 2011.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am still on London time, and as I go through the images from my holiday trip,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and I realize how long I have been away from this space,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it seems clear that a Sunday stroll might be in order to say goodbye to the old year and welcome in the new…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

London certainly knows how to decorate for the holidays.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everywhere you look, there are lights…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and ribbons,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and bows.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The traditional holiday meal in England is, of course, the Christmas goose.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This guy seemed wary…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We ate well – this is probably my favorite restaurant in the world –

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

walked for miles and miles,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and marveled at it all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We even did a little Boxing Day shopping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t help thinking, though, that it seems like so much, all at once.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I wandered the streets, I wondered…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what would it be like if we kept the holiday spirit alive

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

all year?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What if we celebrated the good in each other

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

everyday?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know that each of you is such a gift to me, on each day of the year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish you, of course, peace and joy, health and wisdom, wonder and love in the New Year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll be right here, bringing you little bits of that, I hope, all year long, just as you bring it to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And that makes every day worth celebrating, doesn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We need silence…

See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence;

see the stars, the moon and the sun,

how they move in silence.

~ Mother Teresa ~

the changing of the seasons…

 

I prefer winter and fall, when you feel the bone structure of the landscape – the loneliness of it, the dead feeling of winter.  Something waits beneath it, the whole story doesn’t show.  ~ Andrew Wyeth ~

Winter is just beginning to arrive here in Virginia, and while I have enjoyed the 70 degree days lately, I’m more than ready.  There is something about the passage of time that is so clearly defined by the turn of the seasons.  Decades ago, the weather and the time of year really dictated our lives and I sometimes mourn the loss of that natural rhythm.  Long walks, taking photographs along the way have become my way of connecting to the earth’s rotation.  Lately, though, I’ve been yearning for more than these occasional strolls through the local parks. It’s so easy to just live in our artificial lit, heated and cooled buildings and lose touch with all the gifts that nature brings.

So I was delighted to receive an email from my friend, Joanna Powell Colbert, who lives in the Pacific Northwest – a place I consider God’s country.  Joanna is an incredible artist, author and teacher whose favorite subject is Mother Earth.  It turns out that she had been having similar yearnings and was moved to create a beautiful new course, called “Gaian Soul Seasonal Practices: Diving Deep with Creativity, Contemplation & Connection“.  Just the thing for me, and I am guessing that some of you might just love it, too.

Joanna wrote about it in her recent newsletter:

I’ve been mulling over the idea of contemplative, creative seasonal e-courses for a couple of years now. I wanted to create a guide for myself that would help me to go deep into the mysteries of each season — both in the way we experience it externally, with changes in the natural world, as well as its inner, mythic resonances.

I wanted to make art that reflected the effect the season had on me — to write and sketch about it in my journal, to take photographs, and to visit special secret spots in nature, observing the seasonal changes. I wanted to completely absorb the season until it leaked out my pores. And, I thought, it would be so lovely to do this with companions along the way. But, for one reason or another, I didn’t act on the idea.

Then one day this fall, as I was planning my offerings for 2012, I read this “tweet” by Jennifer Louden (one of my “she-roes”):

You are always being offered the exact medicine you need (hint: it shows up in what you are teaching / offering others).

And I metaphorically slapped my palm on my forehead. Of course! I need to teach what my soul is calling me to learn. It’s the exact medicine I need!

So I created a series of eight e-courses, Gaian Soul Seasonal Practices, structured around the Wheel of the Year.

You can find out more about the course here – there’s an early bird discount through December 5th, and registration for this first segment ends on December 10.  I hope you’ll consider joining us. Joanna has asked to use some of my photographs, and I’m honored to be working with her.

Wouldn’t this be an inspired holiday gift?

 

If you fall…

 

 

 

 

if you’re lost you can look–

and you will find me

time after time…

if you fall I will catch you–

I’ll be waiting

time after time…

~ Cyndi Lauper ~

 

 

 

 

Life can be hard, yes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It can be tricky to find balance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It can feel, sometimes, like just too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And yet, for the most part, we decide to stay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And if we choose to, we begin to see even the simplest things with awe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With wonder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With love, and with light.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s all out there,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just waiting for you

to discover

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what has been right here,

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the whole time.

the view from above…

 

 

As once the winged energy of delight

carried you over childhood’s dark abysses,

now beyond your own life build the great

arch of unimagined bridges.

 

Wonders happen if we can succeed

in passing through the harshest danger;

but only in a bright and purely granted

achievement can we realize the wonder.

 

To work with Things in the indescribable

relationship is not too hard for us;

the pattern grows more intricate and subtle,

and being swept along is not enough.

 

Take your practice powers and stretch them out

until they span the chasm between the two

contradictions…For the god

wants to know himself in you.

 

~ Rainier Maria Rilke ~

 

Gazing inward…

Truth be told,

the inward gaze is something she’s not too fond of.

But there are secrets that lurk in the mind,

and she doesn’t want any of them sneaking up on her.

Sometimes it pays to take a deep look inside even if

you get queasy gazing into those dark corners.

~ Alden Bell ~